My grandmother had a sister that was ten years older than she. My grandmother took care of her for as long as I can remember, being younger and more able-bodied. And then my grandmother passed away first. As they wheeled her older sister in today to see her body, she dragged her feet saying she wasn’t ready. When she was, she insisted on standing, as best as she could, clutching the casket. She began wailing and the room went silent. “I had you for eighty-two years, Mary, you’re the best gift God ever gave me. Oh God. I knew he took you for a reason. He needed you up there”, she said. Then she collapsed back in her chair and continued to sob. Later she told my Mother that my grandmother was the only person she cared about until she had her child, and then her love was divided. I am completely torn up inside and I can’t stop replaying the scene.
"I don’t know. I just feel stuck, like I’m afraid to take any steps, in case they’re the wrong ones."